Mindfulness & Mental Health, Thoughts & Ramblings

On squiggly journeys and a changing self

My writing journey began on the back of what could reasonably be called a breakdown. It was my second year in full-time classroom teaching, and I had some big emotional losses as well. On top of that, my depression and anxiety had not been diagnosed – and therefore had not been treated – so I wasn’t in a strong place to begin with.

In true Capricornian style, I was incredibly goal-driven; when I really wanted to achieve something, I would make sure that I did. My first goal was to have a publishing deal within 2 years (it took me 2 years and 3 months), and to publish 4 books a year (I published 3, plus 2 colouring books).

NZ Book Festival 2015 – 9 months into my publishing journey

But that year, I received some cutting criticism from an author ‘friend’. She was trying to be helpful, but I allowed her words to knock my confidence. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be brave enough to write fiction again. I turned to non-fiction, intending to give myself time to heal and get back into it, and found comfort in non-fiction.

It was easier than fiction. I wasn’t putting my heart on the line, or doing anything wildly new. I wasn’t experimenting with language, and as someone who became a strong essay writer I was comfortable with my skill level. It was valuable work (I Am An Artist and I Am A Writer were made to help others, and also supported kiwi creatives in the process). I could make a deadline and write to it. It kept me feeling like a writer.

At the same time, I returned to my painting practice. My brief stint in art school was far back enough in my past that I felt I could give painting another go. I was back in my comfort zone, feeling free from outside expectations, and enjoyed the immersive process that painting has for me.

Immersing myself in emotional, process-driven painting

I did get back to fiction, completing the 5th book in my children’s fantasy series, You Can’t Cure A Witch’s Curse, but even with my non-fiction I found it harder and harder to motivate myself. My confidence had picked up, I had 12 books’ worth of evidence behind me that I could do this, I was getting positive reviews for the most part, and I have supportive friends and family.

What on earth was going on?

I was readingΒ Jonathon Hagger’s eBook on mindfulness when the change began to become apparent. Throughout my journey as a writer and artist, I had been on a parallel (and intertwining) journey of personal growth. I was rediscovering myself, and working on my mental health. A practice in mindfulness was a big part of this. Jonathon wrote that mindfulness is about being, not achieving.

I didn’t realise immediately, but this is what had happened to me. I was no longer as goal-driven as I had been when I set out on this journey: I had become a different person.

Finding pleasure in slowing down.

So if my motivations were no longer achieving a goal, then what were they? Honestly, I’m still working that one out! I’ve been journalling a bit, and the topic has been on my mind since the ‘eureka moment’, but I’m not quite there yet. It’s got something to do with helping others, something to do with being ‘in flow’, and a lot to do with what makes me happy; the process more than the product. I know it’s something I need to work out moving forwards, because the way I motivated myself as a goal-driven person will not work on my current self.

Journalling – January 2018

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