Someone asked me this today. It started nagging me, which usually means it’s relevant to me. Maybe I’m not enjoying this as much as I thought I would?
I’ve been working a lot this year. I kept a work log for a few months and averaged 5.5 hours, 7 days a week – not including breaks, and not including 20-30 hours at the day jobs. I don’t enjoy being tired.
I’ve had periods where I’ve made very few sales, and most of the year has been running at a loss. I don’t enjoy being broke.
There have been several times when I’ve received harsh criticism, or a painful review. Sometimes I look at my own work and wonder why people would buy it. I have to constantly build myself up when I don’t always believe I deserve it. I don’t enjoy feeling undeserving.
There is no guarantee for success. In fact, there is more evidence to the contrary. I have to constantly battle with the idea of quitting and often feel like I am swimming against a brute force current. This is stressful and draining. I don’t enjoy the battle.
As an indie writer, I have to do everything myself. All decisions are mine -and so is the responsibility. I don’t enjoy the pressure.
Learning to write was difficult, and a long process. Continuing to improve is an endless vocation. I love learning.
I am curious about the world around me. My stories, art and journalling allow me to explore these questions in unique ways. I love exploring.
Every day, I am proving the voice of doubt wrong, and creating my own path to my own definition of success. I love my strength.
I’ve been able to publish books that were unlikely to meet the commercial demands of a publishing house. As an indie writer, I’ve been able to choose what I publish, and who I contract to work with me. I love the freedom.
There are people who have bought my books and resonated with my work. It is deeply satisfying and heart-warming to connect with people through story or art; to provide a moment of insight, inspiration or entertainment.
So do I enjoy this?
No. I love it 🙂